Back…. TO THE FUTURE*

*Not to be confused with Mack to the Future, my too-good-to-be-true blog with the too-good-to-be-true Aubrey.

Turns out I’m not the only person on the internet obsessed with old things — who knew?! My boo Liz just sent me this amazing blog Paleo-Future, where this guy basically collects documents of crazy predictions about the future people had back in the day, such as this 1899 depiction of one of our many possible activities in the year 2000:

Pretty creepy that someone all the way back in the Belle Epoche managed to draw such an accurate portrait of my Sunday morning routine, no? If these air hunters were also carrying bacon, bucketfulls of Stumptown, and the Sunday Times, I’d probably have to enlist myself in the witness protection program.

Insert cat Pun here

Since apparently cats are hella trendy now (amazing), I think it’s time people rallied around my favorite underrated live-action Disney movie, That Darn Cat. Like everything else worthwhile in my life I re-discovered this gem via YouTube, and I think this particular clip is representative of everything that’s perfect about this movie, and everything I liked about it that pointed to me being the cat lady that I am today. Also, how dreamy is Dean Jones as Agent Zeke Kelso, FBI? A total proto-Fox Mulder, if a little less sassy (and spooky):

Let’s not even speak of the awful 1997 remake starring Christina Ricci and Doug E. Doug. It will be easier this way.

Call it a Comeback

As you may or may not have noticed, I’ve stepped off of this blog recently. As much as I like the idea that anything and everything I could think of to post is endlessly fascinating to the public… this is probably not all that accurate.

So, I took some time off from hucking unrelated thoughts into the void of the blogosphere. But scrolling through what little I have put on here, the majority of which is made up of rando kitschy internet finds, I realized that my favorite way to use the internet is as a kind of archive. Here’s where it’s time to let my geek flag fly: the fact that documents, information, videos, and music that you would have had to  either dig up in a media library or behind a case of Bud in your uncle’s basement are now immediately available is pretty amazing, and still a total novelty to me. Example time!

When I went to look up this adorable song that I just remembered existed, YouTube graced me not just with the song itself, but with a sketchy-looking live performance:

And an even sketchier remix that the user just describes as “BEST. SONG. EVER.”:

Everything a girl could ever want, clearly. Moral of the story: I’m actually going to start putting stuff here again, all of which will be old and weird. Get into it!

You had me at “cult classic”

I think it’s probably best if I just let this Craigslist post speak for itself:

Needed Ghost Writer to pen a Cult Classic (Atlanta)

I want to hire an experienced writer to ‘Get Ghost’ for me. I am looking for a Ghost Writer with wit to pen a Cult Classic. The tone/voice is Malcolm Gladwell meets Malcolm X with a twist of the wry humor of Seth Godin.

Subject Matter – Something is WRONG with Black people (Im an African American, White people dont be afraid to apply LOL)

It is generally accepted that everyone walking the earth today was conceived via an uneventful process of our father’s sperm swimming against the current having penetrated and fertilized our mother’s egg. What if there were ‘other’ factors involved in the making of YOU?

What if there is something organically WRONG with Black People?

What if something in our conception phase interrupted, mutated or arrested our development?

Could the blaringly obvious disparities in every facet of our existence (Crime, Incarceration Rates, Infectious diseases, Education, Health, Income .etc.) be the result of something else much deeper than racism and stereotypes?

Ever wonder what type of child would be the product of a 4-hour long Viagra induced erection? What about the effects of listening to R. Kelly, Trey Songz or Gucci Mane during conception? Who knows if your father or mother masturbated the day of, days leading up to, or moments before conception? Do either of them secretly have homosexual desires? Were you conceived due to make-up/break-up sex? Were there drugs involved? Were either of them under the influence of alcohol? Was it pity sex? Entrapping Sex? Was it a one-night stand? Did your mother have an orgasm at conception? Did your father ejaculate an above average orgasmic load, an average amount, or below average amount of semen at conception?

Why are we prone to every infectious disease having to do with reproduction or procreation? Why are our reproductive organs diseased at much higher rates than other demographics?

The book builds the case that something is very wrong with Black people calling into question previous overlooked or ignored factors of how we come into being i.e. or our process of conception. We are obviously doing IT wrong!

The tone of the book is humorous and frank but dropping Wu-Tang Like science at the same time. The target demographic 21-45 the cool, informed, conscious, hip-hop sexually active community.

Serious Inquiries only

Please submit writing sample (relevant or not)

More details after reviewing writing sample submission

Self-Discovery

“Communications experts of today’s new musical groove”…. did this announcer just identify my dream job title?

I’ll Steal Your Honey Like I Stole Your Bike

Even without the help of either Jay-Z or Alicia Keys, I learned recently that dreams really do come true. Why? Because the one and only Jeff Timmons (of 98 ° fame in case you’re ignorant) has requested to follow me on Twitter. For real!! This means that I’m inching closer to one or both of my major life goals, which are:

1) Become the wife of an ex-boy band member

2) Become a taste-making media tycoon.

Flattering though it is, I did have to wonder why he chose me, and I’m now pretty sure that it’s because I follow former Light Funky One Rich Cronin. As every post-boy-band boy should (and as he mentions pretty much every day on Twitter), Jeff  has a free, online-only solo album – it’s here if you’re feeling lucky. Among other instant classics, it features a duet between Rich and Jeff:

Turn You Out, Jeff Timmons ft. Rich Cronin

They say to do one thing every day that scares you, and today I’m going to admit, in a public space, that Rich Cronin is totally the high point of this track. (He comes in around 1:50 in case, inexplicably, you have trouble listening to the whole thing.) But seriously, “The hardest thing I ever had to do is to spend una noche with a girl like you” – shouting out two different 98 ° songs in the first line? He’s totally done his homework! Looks like Rich has come a long way since the days of “I like the color purple macaroni and cheese.”

Prostitution Whores

Anyone who still has love for the Real Housewives of New Jersey (hopefully this is everyone) will be excited to know that Danielle has finally launched her personal website, Danielle-Staub.com. This is exciting mainly because of the forthcoming “BS Meter” section, which bills itself as “Here to Set the Record Straight.” I wonder if it’s connected to this anonymous review by “A Customer” on Amazon for Cop Without a Badge, the book that started it all (and that I actually paid money for):

Just what kind of fact checking was actually done on this book anyway? Kevin Maher always has and always will be known as a snake and for anyone to take his word at face value is incomprehensible. Kevin, I hope you are reading this. A set of facts as simple as those surrounding the death of your father you have distorted to suit you and make you look like a superhero. Your father did NOT die 8/9/74 the day you were released from prision as your story so eloquently puts it, with you rushing to his side just a minute too late. Your father died Aug. 9 of 1977 of a heart attack on the subway. You would not take care of the burial arrangements so your uncle Ron had to purchase a plot in Fairview Cemetary in NJ to bury him where he rests today, left out the part about how you got your Uncle Patrick kicked off the force and had the nerve to show up for his wake. You always were and are, a slimeball. This book is a farce.

Between this and Dina’s recent efforts to make #ProstitutionWhore a trending topic on Twitter, I’m beyond beyond excited for Season 2.

Never forget:

yikes

It looks like later on his career, when Elvis wasn’t chilling with Richard Nixon, he was busy making questionable set choices. If ever there was a time to use the word “problematic,” this is it:

This medley is also, from what I hear, used in a grandiose light show during the summer at Stone Mountain, i.e. the Confederacy’s answer to Mt. Rushmore. Oh good.

the realest of the real

1) I realize that all I’ve been doing is posting old songs that people have heard already. Whatever, things have been busy.

2) I was totally lying when I said that City High’s “What Would You Do” is the Realest Song in the World, because I forgot until recently that that title will always and forever be held by Patches:

My brother and I used to seriously flip out whenever this came on the oldies station, though I’m ashamed to say that I no longer know all the words.

Side-note: even though the sound is always abysmal, I LOVE YouTube videos that are just a record playing a song. That’s somebody’s self-designed media studies thesis waiting to happen, just mark my words.

In a Nutshell

You know how I said that Leighton Meester summarized the majority of my life philosophy via her Twitter? Well, I’ve realized that the rest of said “life philosophy” is summarized by this song:

Radio and TV, The Everly Brothers

Gee, whiz

Seriously, there’s something so Aw, Shucks about these two, I can’t get enough.